A New Hope!

Tonight I had a full circle moment – the completion of a ‘Gestalt’ (Dont worry if you have to google it! I did too when I first heard of it!).

It happened as I was listening to a live video from one of my favourite people to listen to, Kristina Kuzmic. She was sharing a story about a time when she was suicidal and the only thing she could think of to do, to bring purpose to her life, was to cook pasta for hungry people.

Rewind 6 years to the first time I heard her share that story – my life was in pieces but something about her story reminded me to hope. I was in absolute pieces on the inside and the internal mess was starting to spill into my outer world. I believe I was on the brink of deep depression. I couldn’t talk to anyone on a personal level without crying so I just avoided people. I have a naturally positive ‘pick myself up’ attitude but after what I had experienced, that wasnt enough to pull me through. To put it in a nutshell, in the two years leading up to that moment my life fell apart. My husband couldn’t stay in a job because of anxiety, my son was diagnosed with autism and the challenges he faced impacted our family in a huge way, my second boy had struggles and behavioural issues which later transpired to be symptomatic of dyslexia, I had 3 miscarriages one after the other, my granny who I adored and cared for in the last year of her life, died while I was pushed out of the last few weeks of her life for reasons outwith my control. My husband developed depression and I had to leave my job and face life completely reliant on benefits with a depressed husband and three children. Deep breath! Let me clarify, my husband was unwell and was still my hero for the treasure I knew he had within him and his tenacity to keep trying.

I’m sure many people will wonder why I didnt speak up and ask for help. The truth is I just couldn’t. If I spoke it, it made it real and that was a reality I was not ready to face so I put on my fake smile to everyone, including family and friends – I knew they cared and may even be hurt that I couldn’t reach out (I can now and I do!!). I knew they would do everything they could to help but I was scared of falling apart by facing reality. I wasnt suicidal but facing the pain might have took me there. My deep-rooted faith in God kept me putting one foot in front of the other. I just knew that I knew God was with me and we were going to come through. He ALWAYS has a rescue plan no matter what life throws at us. When we married, we had big plans, hope’s and dreams. It felt like they had shattered beyond repair. God didnt cause our circumstances, but he has used them and what He has chiselled out of my heart and my marriage is actually worth so much more than any dreams I could have imagined. We are coming through and we are coming through together, stronger and more tenacious than ever.

As I listened to Kristina’s story again tonight her words hit my heart – coming out of such a dark place ‘isnt an event, it’s a pattern’. I realised that was exactly how it has been for us. We kept waiting and waiting for a moment, a miracle, an event to bring us out the other end, when actually what has ‘happened’ is new patterns of living have formed and slowly and gradually we have come full circle to a place of hope. It doesnt look the same as our original plan but our hope has more depth and meaning now. Even with all that is going on the world, I can say confidently, we are in a good place and we are coming through! So there it is, my gestalt moment.

If you are in that dark place, waiting for a miracle, a blinding aha moment, a light to go on, dont wait any longer. Do one thing today that will put one foot in front if the other. It might be doing a new thing that makes you smile or maybe it will just be taking a shower. It might be lifting your hands to God in prayer or it might be falling on your knees to cry at his feet. Do anything, but don’t stand still.

As I’ve sat writing this, my 10 year old son has jumped on my back three times and discovered a new game of slapping my side to watch it ripple – a clear picture of how life will not stop throwing things at you!

As you continue to hope, you will get stronger and able to turn for help quickly or more able to carry yourself through. You will get to the place where you can come through holding the hands of others as you go. You will smile and laugh again.

If you need a hand today, I’m holding mine out. It doesnt matter what is going on, I dont even need to know – just reach out and grab hold. I hope you do.

Published by thehopefulcarer

Wife.Mum.Carer Blogger #Caringforcarers #mentalhealth #Faith #Hope #Love #Believe

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